Wisdom for Life from a Godly Mum
- Imogen Cook
- Feb 11, 2022
- 19 min read
Updated: Sep 29, 2024
This is my Mum, Desma. I can’t brag enough about her. She is nurturing, generous, wise and strong. I am forever thankful to God for assigning her to be my Mum. I have seen her tackle some serious battles, while holding God’s peace in her heart through it all. She has faced her fair share of loss and heartache, while still praising God’s name. Today, I bring you some powerful wisdom for life from a Godly Mum. I pray her words touch and encourage you, and give you hope for your future.
Table of Contents
Early Life
You were raised in a Christian home. What was it like when you discovered your own personal relationship with God instead of knowing God through your parents?
I think God talks to everybody in a different way depending on their personalities and circumstances. For me, God used my personality. I was a very shy child, so I wasn’t good at talking to people about my problems. I grew up in church, so my experience with God was Him calling me through songs and hymns. There’s a hymn called ‘What a friend we have in Jesus’. And I remember very clearly that this was the first time I heard God’s voice.
“What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer. Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.” (Joseph M. Scriven, 1855)
That’s one of my earliest memories and I remember thinking, ‘Wow! I can talk to God and He can talk to me’. So from then on, I started talking to God, mostly in my head because I was part of a big family, so it wasn’t always easy to find a quiet place. With the things that were bothering me, or things that happened in school, I realised I could talk to God about them when it was kind of hard to talk to people. I had friends as a child, but you don’t really talk about deep things with your friends at that age. You just talk about stuff like movie stars.
So, it was really important that I was exposed to Christianity though my parents, but hearing His voice through song was what really stuck out for me and made it personal. Then when I got to the age of attending a youth group, I had very good youth leaders who really helped to increase my relationship with God.
It’s definitely about finding that closeness with Him, isn’t it?
Yeah, you can’t just go on what your parents believe, you need to have a personal relationship.
So thinking back to when you were a little girl, what did you enjoy doing with your time? You grew up with five other siblings so were you all constantly together or did you all like to do your own hobbies?
We lived on a farm, so we spent a lot of time playing together as children, and also because we were close in age. I remember my older sister was very good at organising plays and shows that we would put on for Mum and Dad. Lots of play acting. We also played around the farm. I remember my two older brothers were very good at making huts in the hay barn! We didn’t have to do a lot of physical work on the farm, because my Mother always felt we shouldn’t have to do any heavy work on the farm.
Why did she think that?
She was brought up on a farm and she had to do a lot of work such as milking the cows, so I think that’s why she didn’t want us to have to do it. We had to do things like feeding the chickens and picking vegetables. But I really enjoyed going down to the cow shed and seeing all the calves when they were little. I have lots of memories of that. We would go out with Dad and sit on the back of the tractor while he went round and fed the hay bales to the cows. Apart from playing with my brothers and sisters, I just loved to go into my room, shutting the door and reading a book, because that was my quiet place. I loved reading and going to the library. Reading was my happy place.
That’s because you’re quite an introvert, aren’t you? I know because that’s where I get my introvertness from.
That’s right. Also, my older sister was a great sewer. She made a lot of clothes for her dolls, which she taught me how to do. We probably spent way more time playing with dolls than you ever did. We had a TV but we were only allowed to watch that for a short time, after school maybe. But it was definitely a childhood of making our own fun.
Leaving Home
You’ve said that you left home as soon as you were finished with school, about 17 years old. Was that a big change for you moving from the country to the city? How did you manage that transition?
By the time I left home, my three older siblings had already left so I was the fourth to leave out of the six of us. I moved to the city of Hamilton to start my training in the laboratory at the Waikato Hospital. This is where we process blood and other samples to help the doctors diagnose what’s wrong with the patient. I enjoyed the work but it was hard because I was away from home, and I was also meeting all these new people I hadn’t met before.
However, after about 6 months, one of the girls [Sue] I worked with, asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. She was the only other Christian in our laboratory class of ten. So I went along with her for the first time and I absolutely loved it. It was just a small church at the time, with mostly families. They all took us under their wing. There was also a group of nurses who were training that also went to that church. So there was a big group of young people in their late teens which made for a really great youth group.
Once I started going there, I just felt like I had come home. It was my home away from home. I kept travelling home on the weekends for a while, but as I got more involved with church, I ended up going to church more than home. I’m sure that God orchestrated everything, starting with Sue working with me and then introducing me to my new church family. After that first year of being out of home, I ended up going flatting with Sue and another girl we worked with in the lab. She actually became a Christian through us. So, that flatting situation was a great experience.
So community was definitely the thing that helped that transition.
Absolutely, community is a big thing, otherwise I don’t know how I would have coped. Because at 17, you’re still really young, and especially because I was so shy, making friends was quite hard for me. So, the fact that there were these ready made friends in the youth group was amazing. We were quite a spiritual group, we used to have prayer meetings and Bible studies. At the same time, we used to go away for the weekend and do hikes or go to the hot pools, just wholesome outings. All that was a really important part of my life.
I love that it wasn’t just a social group. You made Bible study and prayer a priority.
It wasn’t just a social group, I think that everyone was on fire for God. Because our church was a Pentecostal fellowship, we had a lot of time moving in the Spirit. That led to a lot of the young people wanting to go off to Bible College or do DTS courses with YWAM (Youth With a Mission). We all had plans to go out and serve the Lord. That’s when I decided to do my big overseas experience. For me, the goal was Israel.
Which leads nicely into our next section!
Choosing a Godly Husband
Let’s talk about marriage. You have been with your husband (my wonderful Dad) for 36 years! Let’s backtrack a bit. Before you had met Dad, when you were a young single lady, what were your thoughts on marriage? Were you actively looking for Mr. Right or were you just living and enjoying life?
It’s funny really because when I went off to Israel, finding a husband was the last thing on my mind. I was really interested in working in Israel and I headed over there to work as part of an organisation in New Zealand that sent people over there. My goal was to work in Israel, get to know the people and their way of life and go there just to serve, I wanted to serve people.
Finding a husband was definitely the last thing on my mind. Even though I turned 25 while I was over there, which is kind of the time where you’re probably thinking about it, I wasn’t worried about it too much. I think it is important that you don’t spend your whole life thinking about and looking for a husband, because that’s the very time you don’t find one. It’s usually when you go off doing whatever you love to do, and that’s when God usually brings them along. I think it’s important to focus on your vision and your goal in life, aside from a partner. God usually brings everything together in the end anyway.
That is important. Because God knows the desires of your heart.
He does. But it’s funny really because looking back through my life, I can see the hand of God organising things behind the scenes. And it’s something I could never have planned myself. It all just seemed to happen without me having to make too much of an effort. If your heart is after God, He lets things just fall into the right place because He knows what you need. It’s a funny thing about Dad and I because we were both from New Zealand, but we were on different islands, so I probably never would have met him ordinarily. But the way God set it up, we ended up meeting on a kibbutz (collective community) in Israel. We actually arrived at the same kibbutz within 2-3 days of each other. It was perfect timing.
You have an amazing love story, one that definitely shows God orchestrated it all. But in the beginning, what was it about Dad that made you think, ‘Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man’?
Well, when we were on the kibbutz, we were good friends. I can’t say I was madly in love at first, but we just felt comfortable with each other. Often we would go out with our friends, visiting different places in Israel on our days off. When you’re living on a kibbutz and everything is quite laid back, you get to know what people are really like in all sorts of situations. So we got to know each other well. After several months, we both decided it was time to move on from the kibbutz.
His plan was to go back to England [Dad was born in England] to stay with his aunt and her family and to look for a job. But I wanted to do some more travelling with a Kiwi friend, Sarah, I had met in Israel. So we first went to Greece, and your Dad came with us for a few days. But when he left, he took one of my suitcases to England because I didn’t want to carry a big suitcase around Europe, I just wanted to backpack. I think we both orchestrated it so we could see each other again, but we didn’t say it out loud. Once he’d gone, that’s when I realised I was missing him quite a bit!
So, I travelled around Europe for six weeks before heading to England and meeting up with him again and I stayed with his Aunt for a while. Then I got a job as a nanny so I lived with that family. And over that time, I realised that he was the kind of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew that it was right, and it felt comfortable and natural.
We would go out quite a bit, so I guess you could say we were dating. Then one night, he asked me to marry him which is a funny story. This is how it happened. We were hanging out at his grandmother’s house and he just said ‘this is probably a good time to ring New Zealand’. I said ‘why?’ And he said ‘Well, will you marry me?’ So I said yes and we rang our parents in NZ to let them know!
That’s a very Dad thing to do.
Yes! Admittedly we had discussed it before and so I think I had already decided what to do but it was still a surprise!
It’s definitely that ‘just friends first’ period of time that helped, right?
Yeah, it was definitely friends first. You hear stories of people who look across the room and fall in love, usually in movies. But I think that time of being friends first definitely makes a difference.
Wisdom for Marriage
So what is it that makes your marriage work, so much so that you’re still going 36 years later?
I think doing things together is an important thing. We both enjoy biking, walking and hiking. Communication is, of course, really important. You hear the old saying, don’t go to bed angry with each other. I actually think that’s a really good thing. I don’t think we get angry with each other often, but sometimes you can have misunderstandings so I think working it out sooner rather than later is important.
Also, always do unto your partner what you would want them to do for you. Treat your partner the way you want them to treat you. Put the other partner first. I think that’s the biggest thing actually. Treat them with respect and honour the other partner. I think I actually learnt that from your Dad, because he respects me and treats me so well. That’s how I learnt how I should act. I also learnt that from his parents who also had a great marriage. That’s the key, respecting and honouring the other.
Would that be your one piece of advice you would have for young couples?
Yeah, treat your partner how you’d like to be treated. And don’t expect them to be perfect, because no one is perfect. I think people often go into a marriage expecting to change that person, but you can’t change the basic personality of a person. You’ve got to love and accept them the way they are. Don’t try to change them but let God change them. I think a lot of people make that mistake.
What do you think about equality when it comes to marriage?
That is quite a big topic, but I think marriage is a partnership. Each person has an equal part to play. Each has their own giftings that they bring to the relationship. I don’t think you could say one is more important than another. But having said that, I think it’s about respecting their point of view. Normally you should be agreeing on things if God is in the decision. But if a situation came up where he felt something different to me, I would probably defer to his opinion. One of your jobs as a wife is to support your husband in his profession and in his duties, it’s important to support him.
Which is, of course, tricky when you don’t always understand why they’re making that decision.
It is sometimes hard, but I’ve made that decision to support him. I mean, I’ll often say what I think but ultimately, he has to make that decision (especially when he has responsibilities that don’t concern me).
Does that go both ways if you have the decision?
Yeah, I think if it was a decision that directly affects me, like when I changed jobs, that was a big decision, and ultimately, he just left me to make the decision. There is give and take in that kind of respect. But then what if it’s a big decision for both of you, like you have to move towns?
This happened when we first got married and we had to decide where we were going to live. It was really important that we both felt right about the decision. I wanted to live down where his family was and he wanted to live up here where my family was. We both prayed about it and we both prayed separately that everything would fall into place. And it did, because when the crunch came we were in total agreement about where we should live! So, if you’re both in step with God and listening to Him then you should get the same response, otherwise something is wrong.
Heartache and Heartbreak
You have faced a lot of heartache and I know that it’s a big topic to talk about. I’m just checking you’re ok with it.
Yes, that’s fine but if you had asked me ten years ago, it would have been too hard.
Which is understandable because you went through a really intense time. Notably early on in your marriage when you lost your own Dad and your first baby, Nigel, in the same year. What were the key things from that time that got you through it?
The biggest thing was knowing that I would see my Dad and my baby again. That was the biggest thing that got me through it, knowing that it wasn’t the end and that they were with God. I knew God was keeping them safe. Without that, I don’t know how I would have coped because both of them were very, very precious.
As a Christian, we do have a hope that we will see our loved ones again. So I pulled up a verse.
“He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.”
It was like God was saying that he was carrying my baby in his arms. So I was holding onto that but it was definitely a dark time. Like I said, I’m not very good at talking about things, so I had a lot of grief but I tried to carry on as normal. But I did have one very good friend who didn’t live too far away from us. She used to come round and drag me out of the house. I get a little teary thinking about it because I hardly see her these days, but she was so good. She’d take me out and we’d do things like blueberry picking or we’d take a drive somewhere.
I think it’s important if you are in that situation that you have someone like that. They don’t even have to say anything, they just have to show they care. So I hope I can be like that for other people in the same situation because that’s what got me through that time.
It is definitely a dark time though. I remember coming up to the anniversary of Nigel’s birth. Those six weeks between the date of Nigel’s birthday and the date of his death, were like a whole lot of black days on the calendar.. And it was like that for about five years before it started to get better. We actually had a grief seminar at church, and they put me up on stage along with some other people and they interviewed us, asking us questions about how we managed to get through. It was funny, because it was really horrible, but it also kind of broke something in me.
Because you talked about it?
Because I talked about it. So from then on, it was bad, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been. I suddenly realised that I was getting up to those days, and I wasn’t really dreading them as much.
Wow, and that’s interesting because you went on to have Justin [my big brother], a couple of years after.
That’s right, but even then I was still feeling it, probably even after you were born, four years later, it was still quite fresh. It’s probably different for a lot of people. It takes a long time to get over it, longer than what a lot of people think. Well, you actually never really get over it.
You know that famous quote that time heals all wounds. Do you think that’s true?
Yeah, I think it does help. Time dulls the pain. But it’s still there, even now I don’t talk about it much because it is hard to talk about. But we got through with God’s help.
Facing Health Battles
A few years ago, you faced the battle of cancer, and praise the Lord that you beat it! I remember watching you go through the surgery and chemo and I don’t think at any stage I heard you being negative or grumpy about the whole situation. I’ll never forget when you told Justin (my brother) and I, because my heart was thumping in my chest and you were just so chilled about it. And I thought, how is she like this? Did you feel peaceful the whole time? What were your thoughts going through that process?
I did have a strange feeling of knowing that my life was in God’s hands, and if anything happened, it would be alright because I knew my future was in Him. I purposefully kept calm when I was talking with you guys because I didn’t want to worry you. But I’m not the sort of person that gets uptight about difficult things anyway, because I just think that you can’t do anything about it. It’s happened. You’ve just got to deal with it. I don’t know if it’s the way I was brought up but I just think, ’there’s no use crying over spilled milk’.
I’m the sort of person that just gets on with it and puts it in God’s hands and hopes that He will get me through it. But I did have a strange peace and calm. When the doctor called up and said they needed to see me, I just knew in my heart that this was the news. Dad came along with me. Even the doctor said, you seem very calm about this. And I think it was because I was expecting it. My greatest worry was you guys because I knew how hard it would be for you, especially if something happened and it turned out worse than it did. That was my biggest thought.
I think that peace definitely transferred across because I didn’t expect to feel peaceful about the whole situation. As you were going through treatments, it definitely helped seeing you be so peaceful about it. I remember thinking, ‘Ok, maybe God does have this and He’s got you in His hands, and He’s in control’. So that helped me personally. And I remember the impact that your situation had on people. Lots of people in church who saw you go through the whole thing would say, ‘how does she do it? How is she this calm? How is she this positive?’ And I had to say, ‘well, that’s my Mum’.
I guess I’m not afraid of death. If you know people who have died who are really close to you, it’s like part of you is with them. But I’m not afraid to die. If that’s going to happen, it’s ok, I’ll go to be with Nigel and my Dad and of course with the Lord. But hopefully not for a long time!
Yes, please don’t! But, as you’ve grown and gotten older, how has your understanding changed of heartbreak? Is it still hard to understand?
Yeah, I still don’t understand why things happen. I see things out in the world where people are being mistreated; children are being mistreated. People are dying because of lack of food, and you still don’t understand why it happens. I don’t think we ever will until we can ask the Lord. But I do think when you look back on your life, the good and the bad times, it’s like God weaves a tapestry. It’s all woven in together. Even though there are dark patches and light patches the whole finished picture is a beautiful picture.
Life is a Journey
So much wisdom! Well, we can definitely say that it is a journey. What is it that has kept you on a Godly path for so long? What’s the one thing?
The thought of what life would be like without God. I know there is no way that I could live without God because He’s what makes your life worth living. That’s what has kept me and will continue to keep me because the alternative is unthinkable. So I will stick with it even though it is hard. I have had times in my life where it feels like God is not there. But even in the middle of those times, I think where would I be without God? So I just carry on and do my best.
What does your quiet time/devotion time look like?
I try to do my quiet time first thing in the morning when I’m having my cup of tea. I read the Word For Today and then I read a chapter of the Bible. I take a book of the Bible and make my way through it. I must admit I don’t pray for hours and hours on end, but I do have a short prayer time after my Bible reading. Most mornings I will be doing that. Then throughout the day, I can talk to God just in my mind. You’ve got to make sure your quiet time is right for you, as everyone’s day varies.
Joy can be hard to come by sometimes because life is hard and we sometimes focus on the negatives. So, where do you find your joy? Do you look for it every day?
I like to take time out for myself. I do find joy in sewing. When I’m creating things, I’m in my happy place. I also enjoy reading books. Just finding something that you enjoy doing is important. Something that is special for you, that you find fulfilment in. That will be different for everybody. I find that I need to get out for a walk for my own mental health, otherwise I can get mopey. My other thing is gardening, that’s my other happy place.
A lot of these things are solitude things.
I know, it’s just because I’m one of those people who need to have time out from people. Some people are like that, where they can find being social a bit stressful, so taking time out is important. There are definitely people like that. But Dad is the opposite. He is very social. When he came back from church this morning, the first in-person service for a while, he was just buzzing because he had talked with all these people he hadn’t seen in ages. So definitely find what works for you.
The Wisdom Wrap Up
What are you most proud of?
My children.
Do you have to say that?
No, that was the first thing that popped into my head. I’m most proud of my children. And that is the most important thing I’ve done in my life is produce three children. I’m very blessed to have such lovely children.
That’s because we have such lovely parents.
What is your favourite Bible verse?
Psalm 91 especially the first verse.
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”
If you could have a do over on something, what would it be?
I wish I could have spent more time talking to my own Dad. I should have made the effort to ask him what he thought about things. But you don’t think about that much when you’re younger. I think it’s only when you get to my age and you suddenly start thinking about people’s histories and what they went through. But I’ll ask him when I see him again!
What would you say to girls and young women in the world today who are feeling lost or confused?
I would say they need to find somebody they can trust. Somebody they can talk to. Whether they’re in your church or your family. Someone who wouldn’t necessarily talk but who would just listen.
Like a good mentor. Not just someone who will just give you advice.
Yeah, not the sort of person who will tell you to do this or that. But someone who will just listen.
I feel very blessed that you are my Mum. Thank you for sharing with us, for being vulnerable, and thinking of those people who will be encouraged by your words.
If there is anything in my Mum’s testimony that you related to or you felt encouraged by, please share in the comments below. Or you can email me through the address on my contact page. Thank you everyone for being here. We love you!
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